The top 5 new office rules

The top 5 new office rules

The rules we really want the management to enforce.

Work is politics, especially if you work in an office. There are rules of conduct that must be adhered to. Admittedly most of these are unspoken but we have decided to let you in on our revamped top 5 office rules for the new age. Call them commandments if you will, for those who cannot adhere shall be struck down with a heavy dose of office bitching. Enjoy!

1) Hygiene is essential

If you have detectable body odour then extra triple-strength deodorant is compulsory. Cycling to work is banned, and if you have sweat patches then you are required to change your shirt immediately, and in the bathroom thank you. No one at work will be able to take you seriously after you’ve been seen half naked. But if your perfume is causing people to suffocate you need to head down to boots and change that or make sure you head home at lunch time for a full on shower – it doesn’t matter if we notice!

2) No illegal out of office conduct

Passive aggressive emails are strictly prohibited, especially outside of office hours. Calls to the homes of employees are not allowed between the hours of 9pm and 8am in the morning, or 8pm to 8am for those with young children. The penalty for such appalling behaviour would take the form of an automated call at three in the morning, or having to wear a sign reading “Martyr.”




3) No more fashion faux pas

Every employee should wear clothes that fit them. No super tight T-Shirts across the chest or Trousers that hang round your ankles. However, the company should issue perfectly tailored clothing for each employee to prevent this in the first place.

4) No bitching

Bitches should have their mouths taped shut and be chained to their desks to prevent their incessant prattle. Bitch is a gender neutral term, despite its origin being the word for a female dog, it now simply means one who yaps constantly.

5) There must be an endless supply of coffee

It is strictly forbidden to make a mess in the kitchen. Also there must be an inexhaustible supply of coffee. For the welfare of the employees, as it only takes so many teaspoons left on the side, in a forlorn puddle of lukewarm coffee, before someone snaps and goes postal.

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