How do I keep this bad friend at a distance?

Dear Mariela,

I had a close friend once. We were known as a unit. We traveled together, partied together, spent time with each other’s families. Years into our friendship, she severely betrayed my trust.

Yes it was over a boy, but it wasn’t the actual boy situation that bothered me. It was the fact that she had lied to my face when I asked her about it.

I confronted her about this and we talked it out and moved on. It took a little while for me to trust her again but we eventually got back to normal.

A couple years later she did it again. I was livid, and abruptly ended our friendship. This time a lot of mutual friends started telling me they wondered why I had tolerated her apparently obvious shadiness for so long. I tried to explain that she can be very charming. Lesson learned.

Well, around the time that I started dating my boyfriend - years after our fall out - she suddenly became very apologetic and wanted to start over. My suspicion is that my value went up in her eyes because of all the social connections my boyfriend has. I accepted her apology and have maintained a cordial but distant friendship ever since.

Here’s my problem: I find our circles overlapping more and more. I hate it. I have absolutely no interest in rebuilding the friendship we once had…but I feel obligated to play nice because of proximity. She even texted me once seeking advice, and I had to tell her straight up that I don’t think we will ever have that kind of friendship again. She is very charming on the surface but extremely manipulative underneath. I want to warn people but I know how crazy that will make me look. How do I stay a safe distance away from this chick without making our mutual friends think I’m weird?! Help!

Olivia B.
New York, NY, United States

Dear Olivia,

GIRL. I’ve been here before and I know it’s tricky! You don’t want to let her think she’s made you lose your cool, but you need to keep this bad friend at a distance as much as possible. She is definitely using your history to try and keep you close but it sounds like she is toxic.

You’ve done the right thing by being direct with her about having zero interest in making small talk with her. Normally, I would say there’s nothing wrong with casual conversation. But manipulative people tend to use small talk to weasel their way back into your life so they can have access to you again. She probably won’t take a hint, and needs to be told directly that she needs to lose your number. I’m not suggesting you pretend she doesn’t exist in social situations – but you are not obligated to speak to her. You don’t owe her a thing. And she lost the right to polite conversation with you when she severely broke your trust, twice.

I would definitely advise against “warning” all your mutual friends about her as that can backfire, as they might tell her about it. I would, however, let your most trusted friends in this circle know that you don’t care for this chick, and tell them why. But leave it at that – let them make their own decision about how close they want to get to her. Your boyfriend should probably also be warned because she may try to use him to get under your skin – in an underhanded way, of course. The more aware he is, the less ammunition she has.

I’ve found that whenever people are manipulative and shady, their social circles tend to catch on to it sooner or later. They tend to be friend drifters since they eventually burn their friendships and have to move on to a new circle.

Besides, you said people felt comfortable telling you how shady they thought she was after you two stopped being friends. Chances are, your mutual friends are already keeping an eye on her. Just sit back, be your amazing confident fabulous self and this chick will burn her own friendships in no time. Good luck! You’ll be just fine.

Mariela