Top 5 reasons Donald Trump should be president

With Donald Trump’s presidential campaign gathering more momentum than it ordinarily should in any reality-based universe, we look at the top five reasons why he should be the next U.S. president.

#1

Unquestionably the number one reason why we should all throw our weight behind Trump’s bid to secure the White House is his policy of American isolationism. Trump is a true visionary. Imagine a world where America was hermetically sealed and literally ring-fenced. Imagine it. If Lennon was alive, he’d sing about it in an amended version of his famous song.

Finally, in Trump, we have a leader so horrified by America’s decades of destructive foreign policy, from the Vietnam war and the disastrous interventionist strategy perused in South America, to the recent Bush-orchestrated conflict that destabilised the Middle East rendering huge swathes of the region uninhabitable. Here is a man who holds his bloody hands up and says enough is enough.

What Trump proposes is something the rest of the world has long prayed for: a willingness to acknowledge the fact that the only way to stop America obliterating the planet, and to keep Canadians and Mexicans safe from their unruly, gun-toting nut of a neighbour, is a fence.** Like a child banned from playing with the other kids, Trump’s fence is the geopolitical equivalent of the naughty step, a continental time out.

Yet Trump’s progressive foreign policy goes further than that. His plan is all about achieving racial equality, too. Dr. King’s dream of an integrated society is not enough for Trump. For the billionaire real-estate developer there is only one solution: in a country where a disproportionately high number of black and Latin people are locked down, what a better way to redress the balance than by turning the rest of the country into a giant prison?

Trump’s pioneering plan would also benefit the economy, as the Land of the Free is re-branded Safari Park America™, where intrepid, thrill-seeking Africans with money to burn could hire a local American safari guide who only speaks in broken English to assist them in tracking and killing wild animals like Kendall Jones and Walter Palmer. It may sound brutal to some, but killing these beasts would be an act of conservation. Not only would their deaths protect other local wildlife from being preyed upon by such vicious predators and their ilk, but the revenue generated by allowing African dentists and cheerleaders the opportunity to track, kill, disembowel and humanely slaughter such people before posing victoriously with their rotting trophy corpses would help sustain Safari Park America™.

**(Ok, so Trump has so far only proposed a southern fence, but let’s face it, it is only a matter of time before a man of Trump’s calibre realises the political capital to be made with former Republican presidential contender Scott Walker’s idea to shore up the northern border as well).

#2

People don’t want politicians with ideas, opinions and clearly defined political objectives. People want easily recognisable, peculiar anatomical quirks to pin their hopes and dreams on. Who cares about Trump, when you have The Hair! A blond Mexican wave performed by inebriated students. Piss-coloured candy floss. Johnny Bravo’s dad. An amorous tumble-weed. The Spongebob sidekick who was deemed too unbelievable for telly. An ice cream dropped by a clumsy seagull. However you see exactly just whatever it is that sits atop Trump’s bonce, there is only one legitimate reaction: Trump is dead, long live The Hair! This may sound fanciful, but with The Hair running the show there’d be no nuclear war. With The Hair’s finger on the button, it’d be impossible: The Hair has no fingers. The Hair is therefore 100% less likely to imperil the world than what it is attached to. The Hair is also a real star, and almost certainly a commie, a gay or a Muslim. There’s no way The Hair can be white and conservative. Just look at it. The Hair is about partying and good times. Yes, The Hair inhaled, and yes, The Hair liked it.

#3

Trump is against gun control, instead blaming gun-related murders on the mentally ill and society’s failing healthcare system. Ok, let’s take a look at this. A man who is against free public healthcare, is openly critical of ‘socialised medicine’ and the ObamaCare programme, believes that it is not the guns themselves that need controlling but the mentally ill people who use them. The same people who are a forsaken product of an ineffective healthcare system that Trump plans to further impair, and who will have access to weapons thanks to Trump’s irresponsible attitude to firearms regulation.

Essentially, Trump is chatting trump. Although, on the bright side, having no affordable provisions for dealing with those suffering debilitating mental illness and a proliferation of guns clearly ups Trump’s chances of ending up like the Kennedys.

In fact, Trump doesn’t just fail to confront the realities of America’s obsession with firearms, he openly boasts that he is permitted to ‘carry’ in New York and challenges anyone with a gun to come and get him. Like a hideously caricatured drawling baddie in some third-rate western movie, he pulls a finger from his pocket, winks and shoots. He’s only a hundred or so years out of place. That’s already several centuries’ improvement on Bush’s medieval crusader mentality.

With any luck, Trump’s very likely to get a big dose of hindsight right between the eyes. Realising exactly how crucial stringent gun controls and affordable healthcare are as the bullet penetrates his frontal lobe, his lifeless body slumping behind the presidential podium, bits of brain adorning the eagle crest behind him, splattered like an oriental fan motif, as he becomes a victim of inevitability, like so many others who never stood a chance in a country that puts access to weapons over the safety of its citizens. Technically, as his vice president, The Hair would automatically assume the presidency. Win/win, America.

#4

Trumps’ story is the American Dream. A riches to riches tale of a man who worked himself up from stinking rich to obscenely wealthy by being gifted a multi-million dollar property empire by his father and nearly managed to lose it all… four times. In a time of economic uncertainty, what better man to have at the helm of a fading economic powerhouse than a guy who was handed everything on a plate, spilled the contents repeatedly onto the floor and then finally, when his dad died and left him millions of additional funds, managed to make something of himself by appearing on reality TV. If only Jade Goody was still around…

#5

He is named after a fart. That’s it folks. He may herald in Armageddon in a hail of bullets and a chokingly-thick gun-smoke atmosphere (something that is actually the result of his stance on renewable energy). He may turn back recent advances in healthcare. He may be pro-gun and anti-women. He may have no idea what the working poor need or want. But, hey, at least we can die laughing at his name. And The Hair.