Surviving the office: Beware the office troll

Its Monday morning, you’ve had a fantastic weekend, your senses have been elevated from the bundles of fun, laughter and ridiculous amount of alcohol you have consumed, even the nudging elbows, bulging rucksacks and lingering body odour on the train journey to work cannot bring you down, however that positive frame of mind soon comes crashing back down and back to reality when you step foot into the office and hear that eerily familiar sound.

It’s a screech that leaves your ear drums bleeding and your emotions feeling numb and cold. ‘’Good morning, how was your weekend’’ they ask with a smile so pretentious and fake you can barely see the pupils in their flickering eyes. You hate them and they hate you yet they greet you like they actually care about how your weekend went, they are also the office troll and they have invalided your happy space.

The office troll, every office has one. They spy on colleagues even when they are not in their department, they listen in on private chats in the staff-room, they eavesdrops onto telephone conversations which don’t concern them, they read the mail on your desk and checks your garbage. They go running to the boss to tell tale in complete and utter exaggeration just for the right opportunity of self- advancement and ego gratification. They try to take credit for your ideas and work when they can barely utter a constructive sentence together. They think their position is far greater than it actually is when in reality their emails are illiterate and unreadable and full of terrible grammar.

So, how can you pick out the office troll? The one seeking to undermine and sabotage you, your reputation and your career at every turn, the one spreading rumours about you, and how can you deal with the situation before it gets out of control?

The first survival rule of the office jungle is three simple words, DTA (Don’t trust anyone). Office colleagues may seem like your friends, if you think about it logically, we spend far more time with our co-workers then we do with our regular friends in the real world outside of the office, however just because you shared a laugh with the women on the reception, it does not mean that they are your friend. In the office environment lines get blurred and illusions jade your vision, always remember to ask yourself, would you ever communicate with these people if you weren’t forced to work alongside one another 5 days a week?

The office troll can come in various different shapes and sizes and can camouflage themselves amongst the unassuming surroundings of printers and desks, however, always remember to be constantly aware and watch what you say and who you say it to, the office troll may have moles who are quick to report back to their masters bidding, so be cautious as to who you confine in.

Of course as with most trolls, office trolls work in accordance with the troll ideology, meaning every nasty, sinister and belittling thing they ever say about you will never be directed to your face, instead you will find out from work colleagues who are quick to tell all what latest poison has spewed from the office trolls mouth. They like to think of themselves as the biggest bitch, but in reality they are nothing more than a little snitch, little being the most appropriate word.

Being even in the same vicinity as the office troll will cause you to itch aggressively, your body is seemly allergic from the pretentious and fake shit that lingers from their direction, just the sight of their pathetically puny body makes you want to vomit in your mouth, but unfortunately due to coincidence or just bad luck, you are forced to exist and share an office with them.

Remember, these are office trolls, not the fairy-tale kind that sits under bridges. We’re talking about the mean, nasty individuals who are vindictive and cruel while spreading their own brand of hate, so don’t be fooled, even if they appear smiling, remember, those that smile the hardest also hate and despise the hardest. Office trolls linger in the darkened corner of the office, they desire to cunningly destroy reputations and generally try to upset and crush as many people as they possibly can.

Trolls crave attention and adulation and this is ultimately their Achilles heel, just ignore them and go about your daily business and sooner or later they will fade back into obscurity and back into the pits of despair where they will surly wither and die.