Do I need a break or a breakup?

Featured image: Attached in email

“I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 years, since I was 16 and he was 18. We grew up together in a lot of ways. Our friends are mostly the same ones from school. We live together now and starting to have the ‘kids and marriage’ talk. He’s old fashioned and wants me to stay at home with our future kids, but to tell you the truth, the idea of that sounds suffocating. I’ve always told him I don’t think I want kids. But he and my family don’t seem to believe me - they think I’ll change my mind when I get older.

“And I love my boyfriend but I feel like I am such a different person than when we met, but he hasn’t changed much. I went to college and traveled a bit, and he has always been happy to stay in the same neighborhood where we grew up. Most of the people we went to high school with all settled down and had kids already and nobody seems to understand why I am not jumping to get married and get pregnant.

Sometimes I feel selfish for not wanting what he wants.

“I went to LA a few times to visit my aunt, and even though it was only a few days I felt like I belonged there – like I could be anyone I wanted. I fantasize about taking my savings and taking a semester of college there, even if I’m broke and living in a crappy apartment. I don’t know what I want, but I need time and space to figure it out but I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend. At the same time, I feel like I need to figure it out soon because I can’t keep avoiding the conversation either. I don’t know if I need a break or a breakup. Help.”

Hannah S., Tucson Arizona USA

Mariela’s advice:

What you feel is not wrong. It might be unpopular and it might be unconventional given the people you grew up with, but I think you’ve tapped into a voice that you should not silence.

I can understand you feeling guilty because it sounds like your boyfriend is a good guy, but that you two have grown into two people who may not have dated if you met at your current age now. I think that’s an important thing to consider. You become different people after high school but especially if one of you is learning, growing and trying new things. You probably feel a lot older than your friends who are your same age.

I’ll ask you the same question a friend asked me when I was faced with a similar life-altering dilemma. Imagine yourself staying and living the life your boyfriend wants. Close your eyes and let that reality sink in.

Now think of the alternative. The alternative is tougher to imagine because you don’t know exactly what it will look like, except that you would be single and living in another city. Which is more terrifying? Which leaves you wondering what could have been? That’s your answer.

In my case, I ultimately decided that the uncertainty of leaving was less terrifying than the certainty of staying.

I had to leave in order to grow into the person I wasn’t able to become when I was part of a unit of two people. Every decision I ever made until that point had been a joint decision.

I’m not saying it’s impossible to turn a high school relationship into a forever relationship, but it is extremely difficult. One of you is likely to end up feeling like you stopped short of realizing who you would have become. Distance has always shown me who belongs in my life for the long haul. If your boyfriend is meant to be your husband, he will support you studying in LA for a semester. You will either find yourselves Skyping every day, communicating more, and fighting to make it work, or the opposite will happen. Either way, you need to know. This is especially true if you’ve been feeling this way a long time.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope that whatever you decide, it’s based on what makes you happy first and foremost.