What you don’t want to know about SEX

Sex is a huge part of our culture, but unfortunately the ideal sex portrayed in porn just isn’t realistic. The dirty realism of the baby dance is not so great, hygienic, and not even pleasurable very often.

Vaginismus, while sounding like a horrific disease, is just a horrific event that can occasionally occur to a woman during intercourse. In Vaginismus the vagina clenches extraordinarily tightly, this can trap a penis inside the vagina or make it impossible for penetration. It can happen when the woman anticipating penetration is anxious or frightened, and can be incredibly awkward for both parties when it does.

The only thing you can really do to prevent this is to try to relax, of course trying to relax can make you feel under pressure to relax and thus more stressed, but hey, you can only try your best. For the time being just focus on foreplay and having fun, and eventually things will loosen up. If it clenches while penetration occurs then just lie on your sides and chat for a bit, relax and soon you’ll be back to making love.

The sexual pyramid is a terrifying prospect: let’s say you sleep with seven partners in your entire lifetime, and each of them sleep with seven partners and so on, which descends in a sexual pyramid until, technically, by sexual transmission, you will have slept with the greater population of planet earth. This is why you need to use a condom, the pill might not let you get pregnant but it will not do anything to stop you from catching chlamydia. And let’s face it, while condoms are the best STD prevention method they don’t protect against such hideous beings as oral herpes and chlamydia, and pubic lice.

It’s not even as if you can tell who has an STD, you might hope that you would spot them as unhygienic, or unkempt, but the reality is that you don’t know who’s positive until they’re checked. So get checked between partners with religious devotion, because while your partner might love sharing your horizontal hokey-pokey, they won’t want to share your diseases.

You know when a girl loses her virginity? And there’s blood everywhere? And you just shrug and accept that it’s what happens? Well… it’s not supposed to do that.

The hymen is supposed to stretch around the penis with gradual penetration and if it does so correctly then there is no blood, the flesh simply expands like a rubber band stretched out of shape. Blood occurs when the female is nervous and therefore clenched in anticipation of the pain, or when the penis catches on the hymen causing it to rip. It mainly occurs when the hymen is stretched too quickly and rips under the impact.
So when those white sheets were ruined? That could have been prevented had you taken things much slower and been more patient.

Despite evolution meaning that anyone who doesn’t want sex with other humans will most likely be escorted from the gene pool, a whole host of strange fetishes are still in practice: the more demure being looning (getting off by being around balloons) and the less being such delights as cake farting, tarmacking and yeastiality. I’m not going to describe them, soil your own google search history if you want to know.

Human sex is incredibly weird, but animals have it worse.

Llama sex can take up to three hours as the males have what we name “dribble ejaculation,” in which (as the name suggests) the semen emerges in not a number of powerful bursts, but in a slow and steady drip.
Scorpion-flies are my personal favourite as the male presents the female with a bug as a gift and in return - determined on how large the bug is - she will mate with him.

However, this means that the smaller scorpion-flies can hardly hope to outdo their larger peers, so cunningly they pretend to be female and wait for a male scorpion-fly to offer them a bug, which they then take and give to the female of their choice.

Female ducks have false entrances in their vaginas, as duck sex is exclusively rape, they can direct unwanted seed into a fake womb - they have what we charmingly refer to as “corkscrew vaginas” that allow them to do this, and their male counterparts have “ballistic penises,” which are similarly weird.

I think squids win the animal rape award though, as the males store sperm in little packets which they fire at females. If one hits a female then the packet will burrow into her skin due to digestive enzymes on its surface and wherever it hits her, her body will absorb the sperm and use it to fertilise her eggs.

But the all round weirdest mating ritual trophy goes to the queenless ant. The males thoughtfully, to save the female harassment from other males as well as guaranteeing no competition, simply never pulls out. He follows her around everywhere, constantly connected by his dick, and while this might seem like a horrid thing to do the females can be worse. If they just can’t be bothered to have a guy hanging onto them the whole time they will bite him in half, leaving his crotch attached to hers so she won’t get any bother from other males. So when your partner next complains, just tell them to be thankful you’re not a queenless ant.

Sex could never be anything less than disgusting. Think about it, if there’s a God and he must have had the thought: “Let’s see what we can get humans to do for pleasure and procreation… I know, let’s make them stick an organ used for urinating into a monthly bloodbath!” And so he created Adam and Eve and we all know how that ended.