Because we're not all porn stars and that's okay...
Okay so sex is a form of art. Perhaps a very messy and sometimes clumsy form of art but nevertheless, art. It is likely that you’ve laughed during sex before or maybe even cried (hopefully not the latter), and this is probably because your mind went wondering during either the sheer pleasure or the burning desire to get your arse home from your booty call’s sweaty room and eat the Jaffa Cakes you’ve been saving for afterwards.
Sexual encounters may not always run smooth like they seem to do in porn; after all, porn shoots take hours of prepping and you probably just about had time to shave your legs and stuff a mint in your mouth – we’ve all been there! So here I have concocted a list of what girls think during sex cock ups (excuse the pun) vs what guys think…enjoy.
When you switch positions and end up playing Twister
Girls: Oh shit, my body was definitely not made to bend this way. Hope I don’t get hip cramp for the third time or kick the Mr as I twirl oh-so-gracefully back into doggy. Please do not fart.
Guys: Wow, flexible AND a good booty. Great view from this angle, must grab dat ass and get going again.
When he chokes you too hard
Girls: This is amaz…crap, I think I’m going to go blue if he presses any harder. How can I sexily hint for him to stop before he ends up making love to a half dead body? *Makes odd moaning sounds with eye contact*
Guys: God this girl likes it rough AND gives great eye contact…wait till I tell the boys that I’ve got myself a kinky one.
When you’ve just drunk loads of water
Girls: Every time he thrusts the water inside my belly makes loud pond splashing noises. I’m just gonna tense my belly and frown until it stops…which will probably be after he cums. Great.
Guys: Why does she look like that…is my dick too small to pleasure her? Is she holding in laughter? IS IT MY DICK?!
When you’ve missed a couple of stubbly hairs
Girls: Fab, my razor has failed me again. That’s the last time I let him rush me before our date. I’ll fix this by turning the lights off because what he can’t see he won’t know, right?
Guys: This is the prettiest thing I’ve ever stuck my dick in…why does she want to ruin my fun by switching off the lights…ooh, wait, still feels guuuurd and now I can imagine it’s Megan Fox a lot easier. What a bae always thinking of my needs.
When you have the TV on in the background
Girls: Why do I always end up having sex when Family Guy is on. It’s like I have a scheduled sex life. Why can’t I block out the sound of Peter Griffin? Oh God now I’m imagining having sex with him…I’m so gonna dry up soon.
Guys: HAHA I love this part *sings along with the song Peter is singing about AIDS whilst continuing to thrust enthusiastically.*
6. When cum gets in your belly button
Girls: Ew, this warm shit better not make my new belly bar reject cos I am not going through the pain of re-piercing it just because he has terrible aim. On second thought, I’d rather it be there than in my eye.
Guys: 10 points!!!!! I totally meant to do that. #pulloutgamestrong
There you have it, six things that ruin the moment during sex and how women and men feel about it. Oh, and in case you haven’t heard the AIDS song from Family Guy, click here to listen to it and remember, do not sing it during sex unless you want blue balls and a pissed off girlfriend who now thinks you both have some form of STD. Happy sexing!