4 vegans who seriously need to watch their protein intake

With the growing popularity of plant-based diets, many of us will now have one or two deluded ‘friends’ who have decided not to use the massive canines evolution gave us and have become fully-fledged wimps vegans. In case you feel the need to educate them (which you really should; after all, they might die, and then you who are you going to look down at?), I’ve profiled four vegans whose wasted bodies demonstrate exactly why a vegan diet is the worst thing you can do to your body. If these gruesome images don’t turn your banana-obsessed associates back into the natural predators they’re clearly built to be, then nothing will.

Jon Venus

Bodybuilder and YouTube personality

Jon Venus is Norwegian, which means he’s from Norwegia, which explains why he’s shirtless in the middle of the road cos boy is it hot there! Not. Zing! Not that I’m complaining though. I mean, he can probably grind coffee with those abs… I mean, what? Uh, yeah anyway, Jon’s a vegan, and you can probably tell that it’s had a pretty nasty effect on his body. Sure, he’s got really lovely, smooth skin because of the massive micro-nutrient density of his diet, but why get micro-nutrients when you can get macro-nutrients? They’re literally bigger, and size is everything. So maybe Jon should pile some bacon onto that quinoa (if that is how you spell it) next time he’s dining alone! How do I know he’s eating alone? Ha! This ‘guy’ (if that is his name) sure ain’t gonna get a lady to share his meals with. In fact, he’s probably gay. Which is fine. But I’m not gay at all, if anyone’s gay Jon Venus is gay. Cos he’s a vegan.

Vegans – 0
Straight people – 1

Carl Lewis

American athlete and nine-times Olympic gold medal winner

Carl Lewis was voted “Sportsman of the Century” by the International Olympic Committee,  “World Athlete of the Century” by the International Association of Athletics Federations, and “Olympian of the Century” by Sports Illustrated, all in the same year (1999). Vegan since 1990, Lewis attributes his excelled performance in 1991 to his dietary change, but I think we all know his real secret. Just look at all that gold around his neck – he’s clearly richer than most European nations like Romaninia or Scottishland. He probably bribed all those committees with fancy long names into giving him awards and secretly altering his times. So next time you’re thinking of buying a veggie burger, just remember that a vote for veganism is a vote for injustice.

Vegans – 0
Murica – 1

Venus Williams

Former tennis world no. 1 and five-times Wimbledon champion

A self-described ‘cheagan’ (‘cheating vegan), Venus Williams has followed a mostly-raw, mostly-vegan diet since 2011, a diet she claims has helped fight an autoimmune condition known as Sjögren’s Syndrome. Now, I’ve never had any medical training whatsoever, and all the information I know about diet, nutrition, and health has been gleamed from chronically unhealthy bodybuilders on YouTube, but don’t you think that Venus should be taking medication for her condition, and not spirulina? She might be one of the greatest athletes of all time, but how do we know that she wouldn’t be even better if she plopped some lovely nutritious baby calf growth serum cow’s milk into those smoothies she’s always going on about? And hey, before you bring up the China Study, let me tell you that someone I know or maybe don’t know said something about that admittedly highly-respected and thoroughly in-depth study being stupid or something, maybe. So there.

Vegans – 0
Medicine – 1

This elephant

Full-time elephant

How do you know if an elephant is vegan? Don’t worry – he’ll tell you! dingdingdingding! Ba-dum, tsch!
Seriously though, when was the last time you had a conversation with an elephant and he didn’t mention the nutritional benefits of hemp protein? I mean, if you want to starve your muscles of calories, fair enough, that’s your business, I won’t stop you. But when you shove your lifestyle down my throat, especially with that long weird face-arm elephants have – then you seriously cross a line. Why don’t they use those giant canines for ripping through flesh, instead of snacking on some wild grasses like a bunch of hipsters? Kale this, blueberries that – I’m sick of it. Next time an elephant cuts me up in the queue at Pret a Manger to ask if they use parmesan in their pesto he’s going to learn the hard way that meat-eaters have more muscle, and we know how to use it. That is, if he doesn’t have a heart-attack from all those vegetables first.

Extant proboscidea – 0
Bacon – 1

Other weedy vegans you might want to check out

– Pamela Anderson, actress and model
– Patrik Baboumian, strongman and official “Strongest Man of Germany” (105kg division)
– Jim Morris, septuagenarian bodybuilder

And many, many more…