4 vegans who seriously need to watch their protein intake

4 vegans who seriously need to watch their protein intake

With the growing popularity of plant-based diets, many of us will now have one or two deluded ‘friends’ who have decided not to use the massive canines evolution gave us and have become fully-fledged wimps vegans. In case you feel the need to educate them (which you really should; after all, they might die, and then you who are you going to look down at?), I’ve profiled four vegans whose wasted bodies demonstrate exactly why a vegan diet is the worst thing you can do to your body. If these gruesome images don’t turn your banana-obsessed associates back into the natural predators they’re clearly built to be, then nothing will.

Jon Venus

Bodybuilder and YouTube personality

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Jon Venus is Norwegian, which means he’s from Norwegia, which explains why he’s shirtless in the middle of the road cos boy is it hot there! Not. Zing! Not that I’m complaining though. I mean, he can probably grind coffee with those abs… I mean, what? Uh, yeah anyway, Jon’s a vegan, and you can probably tell that it’s had a pretty nasty effect on his body. Sure, he’s got really lovely, smooth skin because of the massive micro-nutrient density of his diet, but why get micro-nutrients when you can get Essay How To Buy A Car macro-nutrients? They’re literally bigger, and size is everything. So maybe Jon should pile some bacon onto that quinoa (if that is how you spell it) next time he’s dining alone! How do I know he’s eating alone? Ha! This ‘guy’ (if that is his name) sure ain’t gonna get a lady to share his meals with. In fact, he’s probably gay. Which is fine. But I’m not gay at all, if anyone’s gay Jon Venus is gay. Cos he’s a vegan.

Vegans – 0
Straight people – 1

Carl Lewis

American athlete and nine-times Olympic gold medal winner
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Carl Lewis was voted “Sportsman of the Century” by the International Olympic Committee,  “World Athlete of the Century” by the International Association of Athletics Federations, and “Olympian of the Century” by Sports Illustrated, all in the same year (1999). Vegan since 1990, Lewis attributes his excelled performance in 1991 to his dietary change, but I think we all know his real secret. Just look at all that gold around his neck – he’s clearly richer than most European nations like Romaninia or Scottishland. He probably bribed all those committees with fancy long names into giving him awards and secretly altering his times. So next time you’re thinking of buying a veggie burger, just remember that a vote for veganism is a vote for injustice.

Vegans – 0
Murica – 1

Venus Williams

Former tennis world no. 1 and five-times Wimbledon champion
Daily News Service

A self-described ‘cheagan’ (‘cheating vegan), Venus Williams has followed a mostly-raw, mostly-vegan diet since 2011, a diet she claims has helped fight an autoimmune condition known as Sjögren’s Syndrome. Now, I’ve never had any medical training whatsoever, and all the information I know about diet, nutrition, and health has been gleamed from chronically unhealthy bodybuilders on YouTube, but don’t you think that Venus should be taking medication for her condition, and not spirulina? She might be one of the greatest athletes of all time, but how do we know that she wouldn’t be even  Homework Help Online Phs better if she plopped some lovely nutritious baby calf growth serum cow’s milk into those smoothies she’s always going on about? And hey, before you bring up the China Study, let me tell you that someone I know or maybe don’t know said something about that admittedly highly-respected and thoroughly in-depth study being stupid or something, maybe. So there.

http://www.rollersports.org.hk/?help-i-forgot-to-do-my-homework Help I Forgot To Do My Homework Vegans – 0
Medicine – 1

This elephant

Full-time elephant
Daily News Service

How do you know if an elephant is vegan? Don’t worry – he’ll tell you!  dingdingdingding! Ba-dum, tsch!
Seriously though, when was the last time you had a conversation with an elephant and he didn’t mention the nutritional benefits of hemp protein? I mean, if you want to starve your muscles of calories, fair enough, that’s your business, I won’t stop you. But when you shove your lifestyle down my throat, especially with that long weird face-arm elephants have – then you seriously cross a line. Why don’t they use those giant canines for ripping through flesh, instead of snacking on some wild grasses like a bunch of hipsters? Kale this, blueberries that – I’m sick of it. Next time an elephant cuts me up in the queue at Pret a Manger to ask if they use parmesan in their pesto he’s going to learn the hard way that meat-eaters have more muscle, and we know how to use it. That is, if he doesn’t have a heart-attack from all those vegetables first.

http://bcn.uprrp.edu/trash/?custom-admissions-essays-online Custom Admissions Essays Online Extant proboscidea – 0
Bacon – 1

Other weedy vegans you might want to check out

Pamela Anderson, actress and model
Patrik Baboumian, strongman and official “Strongest Man of Germany” (105kg division)
Jim Morris, septuagenarian bodybuilder

And many, many more


  1. Well this is the worst article I’ve ever read in my entire life.

    Robert Watson Phd Thesis Clearly this guy is an angry little man and feels the need to take it out on vegans.
    I’m a meat eater myself, but even I admit a vegan diet is healthy.
    If you’re not a vegan, why do you care so much about their protein intake?
    Don’t quit your day job man, you’re a fucking terrible journalist.

    • I think the article is poking fun of people who think vegans are weak and feeble, by using peolple (and an elephant) that are clearly not weak and feeble. That was the joke.

    • Seriously though, it’s kind of beyond me how you actually read this entire article and came to the conclusion that it was serious. Well done, though. I’m kind of in awe.

  2. Did the person who write this even bother to watch Jon Venus’ YouTube channel? Why would the Daily Ness allow such homophobic editors to even be hired? Shame on the Daily News and on Edward Scott. As a member of the LGBTQI community your “he’s so gay” comment is unnecessary, unacceptable and plain disgusting. Jon Venus has a girlfriend so you got the part where he has no one to share his meals with completely wrong.

    • I can assure you that this article contains exactly zero homophobic sentiments. Hopefully if you read the full article it will become apparent that I am employing sarcasm heavily. I am sad to have caused you offence, but in this instance I think it’s a genuine case of misunderstanding on your part, rather than bad writing on my part. Thanks.

    • Actually I don’t dye my hair – I’ve always had dark eyebrows and facial hair in contrast with my blonde hair on top, which gets very light in the sun. And I’ve *always* been asked if I dye my hair, so no offence taken! Of course if I were to dye my hair I would use vegan hair dye – I believe the brand ‘manic panic’ is popular with vegans, along with many other brands.

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